I can bring home the bacon

I can fry it up in a pan

And never ever let you forget the romance

Cause I’m a woman.

As a young woman growing up in the 1970s, those words were the anthem of the liberated woman. They embodied the ideal that women could have it all: a career, a family and better sex than her mother. A quarter of a century later, myself and many other women in their 40s have found these words daunting and the reality of trying to have it all tiring and overwhelming.

Often in those ensuing twenty-five years, we have faced situations that have forced us to choose: career or family. As the increasing rate of infertility has shown, women have delayed motherhood in favour of careers often to the point that motherhood is no longer a viable option. Many face the dilemma of expensive medical interventions or abandoning the dream of a carrying a child inside their own bodies in favour of carrying an adopted child in their hearts. Equally perplexing is the plight of the women who have opted for motherhood in their 20s only to face discrimination when they attempt to re-enter the work force once their children are in school.

I recently watched a compelling pilot for a new US television show, The Lipstick Jungle. Based on a book by Candace Bushnell and starring Brooke Shields, it follows the lives of three women in their 40s who appear to be living this Enjoli dream. In reality, their lives are falling apart. Shield’s character is facing divorce because her stay-at-home husband feels emasculated by her higher income. Another character begins an affair with a younger man when her husband is more interested in his academic career than her. She stands naked with her lover’s number written in ink on her leg without his noticing. The third is trying to balance her desire for independence with her burgeoning interest in a billionaire with the need to play knight in shining armour to her damsel in distress. It chronicles well the plight that even seemingly successful women sometimes face: juggling is difficult, it is easy to keep dropping balls.

So then is the Enjoli woman dead? Have women given up the dream of having it all? A quick glance around any office in the city will quickly answer that question with a resounding no. Then how do we manage? What are the lessons of the last quarter of a century that we can share with our sisters and daughters?

I think the most important one is that you don’t have to have it all. It is alright to choose…and then to choose something else later. Hinduism recognizes four main stages of life: the student, the householder, and the retired person, and the ascetic (also known as a sannyasin or a sadhu). Each of these three stages is preceded by a samskara, a ritual that brings a person from the previous stage of life into the new one. While these are the most important stages of life, brought on by the most elaborate samskaras, there are many other samskaras performed during one’s life. Traditionally, a person may undergo anywhere from 10 to 18, even up to 40, samskaras during their lifetime. So too with modern life, rather than a single life, during our seven or eight decades upon this earth, we will in fact live many lives.

The icons of my generation, women like Madonna and Demi Moore, have proven the value of re-inventing ourselves. They have moved between successful careers and motherhood, focusing on each in turn as needed. Following her divorce from husband Bruce Willis, Moore took several years off her acting career to focus on helping her children to adjust to the change. Yet her return to the big screen as the villainess in Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle marked another samskaras in her lifetime. Further highlighting her success was her partner who attended the premier with her, Ashton Kutcher a man some fifteen years her junior. Madonna has likewise focussed at times upon the importance of her husband and children over career.

We must learn to accept the beauty of Robert Frost’s The Road Not Taken:

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

To give ourselves permission to explore a path for as far and as long as we wish. Then to take another…and another.

The other important lesson we must share with our younger selves is creativity. Many successful women have created their own paths: women such as Mary Kay Ash, the founder of Mary Kay cosmetics. Ash worked for several direct sales companies from the 1930s until the early 1960s, achieving success as a salesperson and trainer. Frustrated at being passed over for promotions in favour of men, she retired in 1963, intending to write a book to assist women in business. The book turned into a business plan for her company. In 1963, Ash began Mary Kay Cosmetics with a $5,000 investment. Her life illustrates an important lesson: when a glass ceiling prevented her from succeeding in a man’s world, she created a world of success for herself and tens of thousands of other women.

Today there is a myriad of options to help women achieve better work/family life balance. Many employers now offer options such as job sharing, flexi-time or home-based alternatives. Other women find that beginning a business of their own like Mary Kay Ash offers them the freedom they desire. For others, volunteering offers the opportunity to share their talents and keeping their CVs current while maintaining their commitment to family.

Whatever path chosen, the young women of today are blessed to have sisters and mothers that have learned the lessons of Enjoli: that have survived the bacon and the romance to find a life balance and a path right for them at that moment in their lives. Achieving that balance has not been easy for my generation and I am certain it will not be easy for either of my daughters’ generations but by accepting that they do not have to have it all and learning to create their own paths, the young women of today will be better prepared to face the demands of career and family.

Chapter 1

YOU MIGHT HAVE TO COME INDOORS

From Horsewomen in Foal by Claudia Stack (see www.horsewomeninfoal.com)

There are some things your doctor won’t tell you simply because it won’t occur to him or her that you need telling. One of these things is that pregnancy and motherhood involve spending a fair amount of time indoors. Oh, you’ll resist it at the beginning. But sooner or later your doctor will lay down the law: No more riding. No more heavy work. This can be a traumatic transition, I know it was for me. Before pregnancy, I spent most of my waking hours either outside, or at my job earning money for the farm payment, feed, shoeing bills, etc. By month five of gestation my outdoor activities were dramatically curtailed by summer heat and a hernia. For the next sixth months I had the unaccustomed pleasure of spending most of my time indoors.

Before you draw the conclusion that I live on a fabulous estate and my life bears no relation to yours, oh fellow struggling horsewoman, let me hasten to clarify. My fabulous equestrian estate is really just a few acres in an obscure part of North Carolina. My one indulgence in the early days of owning the farm? A new, four stall shedrow barn with a center tack room. Of course. The horses basked in the comfort of their new stalls with individual run-out paddocks, while I made do with a used singlewide house trailer that leaked when the rain blew to the East.

It wasn’t until my husband, Joe, came along a few years later that I became acutely aware of the shortcomings of living in what he termed “the tin can.” Eventually we managed to qualify for a construction loan, despite the fact that he was in graduate school, and I work just thirty hours per week at the local university. Thus our current domicile came to be, an actual house without wheels. Inside it I paced through much of my later pregnancy, looking longingly out the window at my horses as they idled in the pasture.

Eventually you will find that TV is boring, you can’t spend all of your time on the phone, you have actually oiled all of your tack (even all the spare parts hidden away in the old trunk), and you have read all the current books and magazines that interest you. Your husband or partner is outside mowing, desperately trying to pick up your slack, and then it occurs to you. Isn’t there some indoor activity that your mother and sister do? I mean, apart from ironing all the little baby clothes, which doesn’t make sense anyway because the baby is going to rumple them. But there is something else, it has to do with the house. You look around at the piles of horse magazines and the mounds of laundry that you managed to wash but never had time to fold before. And this thought dawns: I could clean up. This is the first step in your transformation from barely domesticated to somewhat domestic.

That thing with the hoses in the hall closet is a vacuum (vak’-yoom). Ask your mother or a non-horsey friend how it works. You will probably find some glass cleaner and furniture polish spray under your kitchen sink. These wipe on and wipe off the appropriate surfaces much like saddle soap on tack.

This is your chance to appreciate how most people live, strange as it is. In the past you might have wondered, how do people who don’t ride fill the void of meaninglessness in their lives? Why do they live the way they do? You have secretly puzzled for years over why people would voluntarily live on a non-horsey property that is not even near a decent boarding stable. Did they have horses in the past and have now moved on to something else, unlikely as that seems? Or, what seems more likely, maybe they are saving their money for that perfect horse or horse property.

In any event, you can’t spend all your time contemplating the irrationality of most people in the world. You have Things To Do. This is different from your previous lists of priorities, which curiously never seemed to hold much interest for other people. Your mother didn’t used to call to ask when you are going to build another cross country jump. Yet suddenly dozens of people are conversing with you about things that might never have occurred to you, but that presumably you should be doing. For example, they will ask you about your nursery theme. The Theme becomes very important and takes on a momentum and life of its own, because people are actually expecting to buy you gifts related to the Theme. Your friend at work, the one people compare to Martha Stewart, is planning a shower for you around this yet-to-be-determined Theme. At this point I panicked and chose Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive”, but then it became clear to me that it wasn’t a theme song I was supposed to pick. This Theme relates to décor.

I realized that Early American Drywall is not a suitable décor choice, but I was still confounded. All my money was going to the farm payment, the feed bill, and the obstetrician’s bill. Who has money for a Theme? Who has time? I felt hopelessly inadequate. Then I surrendered my own clothes dresser to Joe, so that he could add a railing around the top and make it into a changing table. I painted it myself and felt a little better.

Another aspect of being indoors is that you may actually begin to cook on a regular basis. While in the past you may have viewed food as fuel and given no more thought to eating than to filling your truck’s tank, food does take on a new importance when you are pregnant. Your first clue to this will be in the first trimester, when you will either be ravenous or incredibly nauseated. Your food choices will seem much more important, either because you can’t get enough or because so few things appeal.

I am not the best cook by any measure, but I have mastered cooking efficiently. This can either mean cooking the meal quickly, or preparing something that can sit forgotten in the oven for a few hours until it is done. Since I hate to waste time on mundane things I multi-task when I am cooking, sometimes to a degree that frightens my husband. A typical pre-dinner scene in my kitchen includes me on the phone scheduling a lesson, while I make a salad, pay some bills, and keep an eye on the chicken roasting in the oven.

I don’t truss, stuff or baste, but unless all of my friends have been lying for years it seems my simple method for roasting a chicken reliably yields a dinner that is better than just edible. I will share it here, for whatever it is worth: Rinse the cavity of a whole chicken and pat dry with paper towels. Sprinkle salt and pepper all over the bird, especially inside. Pour a little lemon juice in the cavity. Fill the cavity with diced onions (these are not for eating, but to keep the bird moist and flavor it from the inside out as it cooks). If desired, slip a few slivers of raw garlic clove under the skin all over the bird. Cover with foil and roast at 500 degrees for 30 minutes, then at 350 degrees for an additional thirty minutes per pound. Take the foil off for the last half hour. Prep time: 5 minutes. Cooking time: Typically 3 1/2 hours. A good side dish that is very easy is to put some baking potatoes alongside the chicken for the last hour it is cooking.

This concludes the extent of my domestic knowledge. If you get really frustrated with folding laundry and being indoors, try to borrow some of the training videos you’ve been meaning to watch.

Tips for Now:

• Start thinking about making arrangements for help with your horses for the later part of your pregnancy and the first few months after the baby is born. Is there a college student or friend who might be willing to exchange work for riding privileges? This works to your advantage in two ways, since you will have barn help and the horses will get some exercise.

• Take a long hard look at your operation and ask yourself whether you should make some herd reductions, or, if you board other people’s horses, whether there are some that are more trouble than anything else. Remember, there will come a point when someone else will have to feed, turn out, etc., for you. You want to make everything run as smoothly as possible. That might mean selling that cute three year old filly you haven’t quite gotten around to breaking yet.

• Take a look also at your stable and household finances. Don’t be blindsided by baby expenses. Even if you have excellent health insurance, you are probably in for a sizable doctor and hospital bill. In addition, even a healthy baby sees the doctor a lot in the first year. A baby racks up medical bills more quickly than an ex-racehorse. Think now about where you can cut back.

To read the author’s blog or to order the book, see www.horsewomeninfoal.com

Learning to walk before you run is what personal development is all about. As a child, I learned how to ride a bike with training wheels. Supposedly you never forget how to ride a bicycle. When I’ve occasionally ridden one as an adult, I’ve wobbled a lot before being convinced that was true. However, you do forget how uncomfortable the seat is.

When I got married, my personal development didn’t include cooking, ironing or sewing. This lack of skill was covered by the for worse part in the marriage vows. I think my marriage has lasted because John and I hadn’t been married before and learned the for better part together.

I never did learn to iron or sew. Although the AT&T ad said, “Let your fingers do the walking through the yellow pages”, my fingers ran through them looking for restaurants before I walked into the kitchen.

Learning to cook is about reading directions. Unfortunately, John’s personal development didn’t include learning to read directions. He believes in learning by doing and that practice makes perfect - which is why I’m grateful he didn’t plan to earn a living as an architect or a brain surgeon. Whenever John puts something together, a couple of screws are leftover. It seems John works fine with a few loose screws.

With motherhood I didn’t walk before I ran. In spite of reading books, having birthing lessons and putting the pediatrician’s phone number on speed dial, I was immediately run ragged. My grandmother wasn’t prepared to have my mother, who wasn’t prepared to have me. I don’t know if my sons will be prepared to have children, but I’m not prepared to be a grandparent. First I want to be a grand parent - okay, maybe just a very good parent.

Being a parent you’re always on the run. It seemed that right after my sons learned to walk, they wanted to learn to drive. Some parents think driving lessons are an unnecessary expense. Maybe there are parents who can turn little Johnny into a safe driver after a few spins around an empty parking lot, but I’m not one of them. “Slow down”, “Signal before you turn”, “Don’t take your eyes off the road” - I was happy to pay for driving lessons. When a teenager is learning to drive, being driven crazy is a very short drive and a danger to all development.

Despite her previous statements regarding her staying on the highly watched series, Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria is reportedly hinting that she wants to leave Wisteria Lane for good. The reports recently proliferated about the 32-year-old actress wanting to settle down and start a family.

In July, Longoria’s nuptials with NBA star Tony Parker took place in lavish Paris , and she told the press that she and her husband are in talks about having children. However, she added that she is still willing to postpone motherhood for a later date, to save room for her hit television series, Desperate Housewives. Moreover, she said that she won’t depart from the show unless it ends, and that she won’t work on another series after the ABC dramedy.

However, recent reports say that Longoria is ready to quit the series to start her own family. She was quoted saying, “I’ve always loved the idea of having lots of children. If I’m around any baby, I’m like, ‘Aaaaahhhh, babies!’”

“I was pretty ambitious when I moved to Hollywood and I succeeded. But now I’ve found new ambitions,” Longoria said. “I want to work, I want to be a great wife and I want to have children. This is a new chapter in my life. I will be very sad to go but I’ll have more time to do movies.”

But aside from her dreams of becoming a mother, Longoria confessed about her dedication to being a housewife. Even if she’s busy in Los Angeles filming her hit show, she still finds time to fly back home to her husband in Texas , which is the home base of his basketball team, the San Antonio Spurs.

” Texas is home, Los Angeles is where I work,” she explained. “If Desperate Housewives call me and say you’re off tomorrow, I’ll catch a red-eye flight to Texas , be there in time to make Tony breakfast, fix him lunch and dinner, then fly back.”

For more resources about Desperate Housewives or for the full story of Desperate Housewives: Eva Longoria Quitting Show for Motherhood? please review http://www.buddytv.com

The wisdom of Kabbalah tells us that every action a person makes is only to further a personal desire. While there are many different types of desires, they are all an effort to obtain pleasure. Actions taken to avoid suffering are really just the inverse aspect of seeking pleasure.
Once a desire surfaces, our intellect starts figuring out how to fulfill it. Next, we decide whether the anticipated pleasure is worth the work required to get it.  If the answer is “yes,” then we act.  If not, then we do nothing. Most of the time, we are completely unaware of this process. There are exceptions, though.
Imagine that you are lying in bed early on a Saturday morning. You wake up feeling slightly hungry. Your bed is nice and warm, the floor is cold, and you’re not ready to face the demands of the day.  You go back to sleep.  A couple of hours later, you wake up again to the smell of fresh coffee.  You are now ravenous. The pleasure promised by coffee and breakfast is now great enough to cause you to jump out of bed.
Kabbalah tells us that we perform this type of calculation literally thousands of times every day. In fact, we do not move a muscle without first having a desire and performing a calculation based on that desire. Even an action as simple as scratching our nose is first motivated by a desire to stop the itch. If the itch is just a little tickle and we are absorbed in other work, we might ignore it for a while, but eventually the anticipated pleasure from stopping that tickle will win out. We scratch the itch without even thinking about it.
So our actions are all initiated by desires, but what about our thoughts? There is an erroneous belief that a person’s mind can rise above his desires, but in fact, the mind is totally driven and limited by our desires. Why do we think about something? Because we first have a desire for it!
I have a desire to eat, so my mind starts thinking about what to eat, how to get it, who I last had dinner with, the best restaurants in town, and all sorts of other things that are directly or indirectly associated with the desire for food. I go through a similar process if I have a desire for knowledge, or for respect from my peers. Each thought can be traced back to a desire that started the chain of thoughts.
But surely we have all used our minds to override a desire, haven’t we? In reality, no. Let’s take a very powerful desire – the desire for chocolate! The anticipated pleasure from the chocolate is great, but we use our “will power” to override that desire. But where did that will power originate? From a desire to be healthy, or to lose weight, or to appear strong by demonstrating our ability to resist the chocolate. So we only replaced one desire with a different, stronger desire.  If the second desire had not been stronger, we would have devoured the chocolate! Once again, the desire rules.
According to the wisdom of Kabbalah, we are all born with “uncorrected” desires, meaning that our motivation is to receive pleasure for ourselves. This is obvious in many cases, but it can also be extremely subtle. People often claim that acts of charity or extreme sacrifice are examples of altruism. It is hard to admit, but if we are brutally honest, we get something out of the deal every single time. It might be as simple as a sense of satisfaction for supporting a just cause. Acting in accordance with moral or ethical tenets also provides a sense of pleasure. The ability to be “right” is another sneaky payback, even if it is associated with negative consequences (“See – I knew she would fail and I would have to pick up the pieces!”) As any psychologist can attest, human motivations can be very complex. But in every case, the person achieves some real or perceived benefit from every action. 
A quick look at the headlines shows us the results of humankind operating based on uncorrected desires.  But if we have no control over our desires, and those desires dictate all of our thoughts and actions, then what choice do we have?
Kabbalah tells us that we need to transform our desires so that our basic motivation is for others. Then our desires are said to be “corrected.”  The closest we have to an example of corrected desires is a mother’s love in so far as she is motivated by the good of her child.  When her child feels good, she feels good. Even if she is starving, any food she has will go to the child. This is a natural property of motherhood, but our challenge is to be similarly motivated by the good of our fellow man. 
Kabbalah provides us with the methodology to correct our desires. To the extent that we can accomplish this transformation, so our minds and actions will also change. By changing our actions, we can change the world.

Consider this: motherhood is perhaps the most difficult, exhausting, demanding job in the world. Yet for all that, it is a job that is too often taken for granted. Mothers Day is an opportunity for all of us to show our gratitude and appreciation for the woman who brought us into the world, who bandaged our cuts, held us when we were frightened, and even gave us a smack on the rear when we got out of line. There are all kinds of Mothers Day gifts we can present to this lady whom we can never fully repay but whatever that gift turns out to be, it should something that both reflects the personality of the giver and the tastes of the recipient. After all, who knows your mother like you? And who knows you better than your mother?

One Mothers Day gift that is sure to please is the gift of gourmet chocolate. This ancient gift from the Mayan civilization of southern Mexico and Guatemala is not only tasty, the consumption of it releases endorphins in the brain pleasure-producing chemicals and provides anti-oxidants and other health benefits as well. If she appreciates a good cup of afternoon tea, perhaps a special tea pot and a customized cup, along with a collection of exotic teas from around the world is in order. If your mother has been drinking plain pekoe-and-pekoe from a cardboard box all her life, Mothers Day may be just the time to introduce her to the wonders of Earl Grey, Oolong, Jasmine and that spicy East Indian blend, Chai.

Theme-based gifts are another was to go. What are Moms interests? Is it cross-stitching or needlepoint, or something more adventurous like biking or tennis? If Mom is staying active as she gets older (and thats a good thing to encourage), you might consider one of the mothers day gift baskets that include items relating to her favourite sport. Nothing expresses love more than presenting the mom who bicycles or simply enjoys brisk walks with safety items such as a rear-view mirror and a special reflective vest to make sure shes visible when out and about.

Gift certificates and tickets to an event she may enjoy a concert or a Broadway road production, for example are also welcome on Mothers Day. The great thing about gift certificates is that it shows that you were thoughtful enough to allow her to choose her own unique Mothers Day gifts items you both know shell enjoy. These can be included in a presentation gift basket that is attractive and contains additional items such as those mentioned above. Just remember, whatever you choose to give is not nearly as important as the thought and feeling that goes into it.

 
The transition to motherhood is a profound step in a woman’s life. Becoming a mother is a life-changing experience and motherhood is a lifelong role. Although motherhood is universal in many aspects, the transition into it is very individualized. Our past childhood relationships with our mothers, our fathers and the overall connection we experienced in our parents’ marriages form the backdrop for our emotional readiness for motherhood. Therefore, individualized preparation and care is far more effective when it deals with a woman’s specific “birth inventory,” which is a profile of her significant fears and concerns about upcoming motherhood and childbirth.
If you are a new mom who is struggling with the life changes of new motherhood, trying to take care of your new baby, feeling sleep deprived, and overwhelmed with your new responsibilities, your patience and tolerance will be stretched thin. Many women do not seek treatment because of the shame or guilt they feel about not enjoying motherhood at a time when there is tremendous societal and familial pressure to be a “perfect mother.
Although a natural and healthy part of human life, becoming a mother is hard work and it takes every nook, cranny and crevice of a woman’s being. We now know how both physical and psychological health are profoundly impacted by everything from stress to being in love, from positive and negative attitudes, from fear to gratitude.
Pregnancy is a time of many questions about pregnancy symptoms, weight gain, what’s safe to eat while pregnant, prenatal tests, labor and delivery, and more. With increasing rates of obesity in the United States, postpartum weight retention is an important factor to consider when assessing maternal health and pregnancy outcome. Mothers may suffer “maternal depletion syndrome,” which refers to the combination of depression, low libido, excess weight and fatigue that can accompany motherhood. Don’t be surprised if it takes nine months to a year to regain your pre-pregnancy weight.
Women who have healthy babies gain varying amounts of weight during pregnancy. If you are at a desirable weight for your body size before you become pregnant, a weight gain of 24 to 27 pounds is recommended. If you are approximately 20 pounds or more above your desirable weight before pregnancy, a weight gain of 24 pounds is recommended. The average weight gain during pregnancy is between 25 to 35 pounds. The weight that you gain is a rough indication of how much nutrition is available to the fetus for growth. If a woman has 10 extra pounds, then taking two months to lose that weight is absolutely normal.
Believing that after giving birth the pre-pregnancy shape and weight will return immediately is a sure way to become frustrated. Most women will gain weight appropriately during pregnancy if they follow a healthy eating pattern according to Canada’s Food Guide to Healthy Eating, maintain an active lifestyle and allow their appetite to guide their energy intake. But various medical conditions during pregnancy such as gestational diabetes and hypertension can add an additional 10 to 15 pounds to a pregnancy weight leaving more postpartum weight for Mom to lose. Many women mourn their inability to lose the weight, but the reasons behind these unsuccessful attempts are sometimes no fault of the women. Women whose gestational gain exceeds the recommended range are more likely to retain weight at one year postpartum than are women with gains within the recommended range.
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The Politics of Single Motherhood It is well-known that single mothers may suffer from increased economic hardship after divorce.  Living on one income and paying for child-care and extra household help, contribute to the overall decrease in the standard of living for single mothers in the US.  What many people fail to understand is that in addition to the economic stressors placed on single-mothers, social isolation is prevalent  and another source of emotional stress for single mothers.  In many regards, society pays lip service to the plight of the single mother, while culturally we marginalize this group through social isolation.   In the aftermath of a divorce, a single mother is regarded quite differently than a divorced male.  He is once again an “eligible” sought-after bachelor, in a society that has decided that there are not enough “good men” to go around as popular culture would indicate.  A divorced woman, and most especially a single mother, is frequently regarded as a tragic figure, someone for whom finding love again could be likened to “winning the lottery.”   Friendships and family relationships change as well.  Married friends often disappear, due at least in part to their discomfort with the new-found marital and social status of their formerly married friend. Women frequently report that almost immediately following a divorce, the world perceives them differently, and report being treated differently by friends, family and society in general.  Ask a single mother what it is like to attend a holiday or family event without a spouse/partner- the response is overwhelming negative.  Emotions range anywhere from moderate to extreme discomfort, due to the way they believe they are perceived by their married counterparts.  There is the perception that all single mothers will experience financial hardship, have difficulty with their children, and are lonely without a partner.  Often, this is very far from reality.  Many single mothers are raising children who are thriving, while living active, healthy and fulfilling lives on their own.   Communication of these attitudes is subtle, and is often expressed as an attempt to empathize with the plight of the single mother. General statements that are negative in nature and imply a compromised lifestyle because of marital status, may come across as judgmental to some.  Single mothers also report that they are judged differently than their counterparts when it comes to having a career, owning property and child rearing. The assumption that divorce is always negative and that children will suffer adversity should be re-visited.  Recent studies have shown that contrary to the popular belief that married people are always happier and healthier than their single counterparts, have recently shown that the quality of the marital relationship is the true indicator for overall satisfaction and health (Lunsted-Holt, Ph.D, et al., Annals of Behavioral Medicine, March 20, 2008).  The same is true for children growing up in an unhappy home.  Kids who are living with a single parent who is happy fares better than a two parent home wrought with conflict.    Another factor in the social isolation of single mothers is the perceived loss of respect from their peers.  Single mothers routinely report that they are questioned randomly about their dating prospects, or about an ex-spouse with regard to his commitment to the children and his ability to be financial responsible.   Married individuals tend to enjoy more privacy as disclosures about finances and the quality of the marital relationship tend to be protected and respected.   Finally, it is largely up to single mothers themselves to dispel some of these myths, and to speak up when they feel they are being judged unfairly due to their social/marital status.  Negative assumptions tend not to be respectful, helpful or kind to this group who may be raising sons and daughters who may be better behaved in school, excel academically and in sports, and who may be kind and generous in spirit. If your friend or family member is raising children on thier own, consider that all situations are unique, and avoid generalized beliefs or statements that may be unknowingly offensive to your audience.    Leslie Miller, LICSW www.therapyontheweb.org Family Therapist

Many first-time mothers are baffled when they find their new life with baby doesn’t match up to the myths of motherhood. We are led to believe that having a baby should be a glorious, magical time. We are taught not only that we will but that we must bond immediately with our babies. We believe in the images of mother and father standing over their baby’s crib holding each other close and smiling with glee, and we assume we will have the same experience.

But the reality is often a bit more raw. Reality may include fear, exhaustion, confusion and self-doubt. It may involve a high-needs’ baby, breast-feeding challenges, marital adjustments, isolation, or other life stressors.

When a woman has a family or personal history of depression or anxiety in addition to hormonal shifts, sleep deprivation, and a less than perfect experience as a new mother, she may be thrown into an unexpected state of irritation, depression, anxiety or obsessive/compulsive behavior. It can be a time of confusion and increased self-doubt, leaving her wondering, “What is wrong with me?”

10-20% of pregnant women will experience postpartum depression or anxiety. The good news is that it is incredibly treatable. For mild depression or anxiety, support, exercise, healthy eating, and a moderate amount of sleep may be all it takes for a mother to feel like herself again. For moderate to severe depression or anxiety, an individualized combination of self-care, therapy and medication has proven to resolve even the most challenging postpartum adjustment issues.

During pregnancy, if a woman knows she has a family or personal history of depression or anxiety, if there are actual or anticipated life stressors during pregnancy or the first year postpartum, or if she has minimal amount of support in her life, she can shore up resources and support during pregnancy to minimize the possibility of postpartum depression.The greatest gift a mother can give to her baby is to feel good about being a mom. The greatest gift she can give to herself is the support and self-care she needs to make that her reality.

For more information on this therapist and other articles, visit www.therapylinx.com!

We usually say that the essence of womanhood is in being a mother. Every woman nurses a secret desire to become a mother one day. However, many compulsions force us to avoid pregnancy at times. Celebrity status, family compulsions, personal commitments are some of these reasons due to which we delay a pregnancy. Some times, we are so engrossed with our careers and professions that we have no time to devote attention to this most important part in the life of a woman. Even though this event takes place in the life of practically every woman, there is very little information available with most women about pregnancy. Some women, who are in the habit of writing, keep a pregnancy journal to share their experiences with others.

Complacency Has No Place Here

According to a survey, most American women become pregnant within a month of unprotected sex. Only in 15% cases, there is a need to consult a physician in this regard. In such cases, it is necessary to monitor pregnancy week by week. Therefore, it is very important to understand the meaning of pregnancy. Moreover, one should understand how one becomes pregnant.

During unprotected sex, the X and Y-chromosomes present in the semen of the male travel through the vagina of the woman to meet the Y- chromosomes present there. Once united, they develop the fetus, which grows in the uterus of the woman and eventually becomes a baby. Usually, this process gets underway as soon as you have unprotected sex even once; in some cases, it may take longer. The snag occurs only when there is some problem with the fallopian tubes or uterus of the woman or in semen of the male. If you cannot develop early sign of pregnancy even after two months of unprotected sex it is advisable to consult a physician.

Then there is also the doubt whether you are pregnant or not when you are trying to conceive. Nature has provided certain telltale signs, which indicate that you are pregnant. Some of these signs are physical while others are conditional. One of the very first signs of pregnancy is a slight bleeding you spot on the days of your menstrual cycle as you miss a period. This is the result of implantation of the egg which is formed by the unison of the chromosomes, to the uterus.

Another physical sign of pregnancy is the tenderness in the breasts and the softness of the nipples, which indicate that the mother’s body is getting ready for the role of motherhood i.e. breastfeeding.

In addition to the physical symptoms, there are certain other symptoms as well, that indicate a pregnancy. Well, your frequent visit to the toilet is one clear cut symptom of pregnancy. Then there also may be a feeling of nausea or vomiting along with constipation that you might experience if you are pregnant. All these signs indicate that you should consult your doctor and take a formal test to confirm a pregnancy.